Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A Bottomless Apology


I would like to say that I had no choice,
that my feet carried themselves away-
snuck out and led me crawling through
dark spaces, but it was never like that.

I am something vague and disconcerting.
The walking shambles of a fragmented person
who forgot how to be whole. Through sorry
tears I cried selfishly- for more chances.
More- I needed more.

Then I asked for demons and matted lashes,
I asked for a coward, I asked for a reason
to be sore. I upped my own prices, asked
for extra things to carry, so I wouldn’t feel
the fault in my own scars.

All the while I was aware. Aware that I was
the filler of party cups, bottles, ash trays,
garbage cans, and battered notebooks-
the filler of no where bound gas tanks
everywhere. I was the nostalgia that struck
the moment a cricket chirped.

But I didn’t say a word as all the hills passed,
rolling with the speed, inviting me in, saying
it was okay to hide-

I didn’t say a word as it all broke my heart,
and I realized that in some far off place
I was completely horrible.

I didn’t say it, but I should have said it-
I was a coward. I was selfish. I was manipulative.
I was a liar. I was two faced and
vain to the point of delusion.
I was pathetic and I was desperate. I was wrong.

I wanted to say:
I’m sorry, I should have been better for you.

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