A Bottomless Apology

I would like to say that I had no choice,

that my feet carried themselves away-

snuck out and led me crawling through

dark spaces, but it was never like that.

I am something vague and disconcerting.

The walking shambles of a fragmented person

who forgot how to be whole. Through sorry

tears I cried selfishly- for more chances.

More- I needed more.

Then I asked for demons and matted lashes,

I asked for a coward, I asked for a reason

to be sore. I upped my own prices, asked

for extra things to carry, so I wouldn’t feel

the fault in my own scars.

All the while I was aware. Aware that I was

the filler of party cups, bottles, ash trays,

garbage cans, and battered notebooks-

the filler of no where bound gas tanks

everywhere. I was the nostalgia that struck

the moment a cricket chirped.

But I didn’t say a word as all the hills passed,

rolling with the speed, inviting me in, saying

it was okay to hide-

I didn’t say a word as it all broke my heart,

and I realized that in some far off place

I was completely horrible.

I didn’t say it, but I should have said it-

I was a coward. I was selfish. I was manipulative.

I was a liar. I was two faced and

vain to the point of delusion.

I was pathetic and I was desperate. I was wrong.

I wanted to say:

I’m sorry, I should have been better for you.